Little dictionary of abused buzzwords.
Buzzwords. I hate them. I use them. I need them. I want to get rid of them. It’s complicated. So this is somehow therapy to me. Feel free to suggest missing words, I'll update this article continuously.
A
#agile
Term from the field of project management/corporate culture; primarily used to re-label deadlocked internal processes in such a way that unpleasant change can be delayed as long as possible, while still giving the impression that one is flexible, non-hierarchical, willing to experiment and capable of listening or self-criticism.
#AI
The attempt to digitally recreate human aberration, culminating in panicky fear of one’s own cognitive limitations.
B
#blockchain
A worldwide tally stick extended to countless computers.
#brainstorming
Informing other people about one’s own opinion while pretending to be willing to listen, to learn or even to deviate from positions once taken.
C
#catalyst
Being paid to think about what might be going on outside your own four walls from time to time.
#change
Demand for the adaptation of ethical values to one’s own needs.
#collaboration
The pursuit of selfish intentions in a group of secretly competing institutions ostensibly committed to a common goal.
#corporate culture
Unfortunately, the public is interested in how we make our money. Since classic deceptive marketing doesn’t work so well anymore, we’ve hired an unemployed writer at low cost to come up with something new that distracts from our core business.
#co-working
Retreat for people without a permanent job who could still afford a Macbook Pro. Emergency solution for every other store crushed by online commerce. Projection surface for fantasies of creativity and community. But because someone always leaves their dirty dishes in the sink and the toner is usually empty, you do need a real office at some point.
D
#disruption
Essentially refers to the replacement of outdated technologies with more intelligent solutions; preferably used by people in their mid-thirties to characterise their desperate attempts to somehow get rich as system-relevant strokes of genius in the context of the general start-up theatre.
E
#eco-system
Imagined group of people in an idealized environment that ensures that the very own ideas about how to help the economy grow turn out to be brilliant.
#evangelist
Underpaid lobbyist for the abolition of fax machines, talking to colleagues from time to time and at least an update to Windows 7.
F
#facilitator
Eloquent friend of the CEO who needed a job.
G
#game-changer
I did not know this. Now that I know it, it helps me make a bit more sense of something I didn’t think about before. As nothing else happened, I write a post about it and hope for likes from my bubble.
H
#hackathon
Collective disassembly of functioning infrastructures and, based on this, the invention of dysfunctional alternatives by people without family obligations and a preference for sweets and cold pizza.
#human-centred
A maximum of three additional emails and a half-hearted online survey conducted by interns with potential clients in an otherwise exclusive development process.
I
#iterative
Describes a procedure of step-by-step approximation to an exact or definitive solution. In reality, rather a term to describe the irregular subdivision of classic, hierarchical waterfall planning (introduced to assuage more holocratically-minded employees) by more or less useless meetings in which hastily made decisions of the management level, which of course were based on a lack of knowledge, are defended with determination against any justified constructive criticism.
#inclusive
The distribution of vestiges of one’s privileged status to randomly selected marginalized groups and minorities.
#innovation
Defines the realisation of a new, advanced solution to a specific problem, e.g. through the introduction of a new product or the application of a new process. Mainly used by people with a high need for recognition and a clear tendency to overestimate themselves to cover up their ill-thought-out ideas for solving hyper-complex challenges they did not properly analyze before pitching a so-called solution.
P
#participation
The attempt to increase the acceptance of and demand for questionable products by tapping into the wants and needs of the target audience early in the development process and only then deliberately ignoring all of them.
#pivot
Next attempt not to fail businesswise yet.
#platform
The attempt to automate tedious and time-consuming human interaction, which already mainly leads to misunderstandings, separation and conflicts without the use of immature technologies.
#purpose
Manchester capitalism with yoga breaks and occasional solidarity postings.
S
#sustainable
Another term for the greenwashing of alleged change without relinquishing traditional, usually completely wrongly claimed privileges.
#smart
Providing and implementing complicated, ethically critical, user-unfriendly, underdeveloped and socially controversial technological solutions to an already overwhelmed, over- and at the same time disconnected population in order to hide failures of structural organisation at multiple levels, lack of willingness to engage in discourse and pure commercial interest with digital band-aids.
#synergies
Finding out that others had a similar idea to your own and trying to steal the features you didn’t come up with yourself by feigning interest in the best solution for everyone.
T
#transformation
Random change of the current situation at twice the price.
V
#visionary
Euphemism for people with narcissistic personality disorder, hypomanic tendencies and a successful LinkedIn-account.
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More buzzwords!?
Suggestions what’s still missing on the list? Drop a message or a comment!
